I have a burning fire in my chest after the internship.
During this cycle, I went through all the possible states, from deep fear to pure will but powerlessness but also anger as joy: the pure will when I want the skirt to turn and that it seems so heavy to me; the deep fear when faced with going in one direction; anger against this skirt which still does not want to turn and which distracts me; the joy of no longer being, of being only an Earth-Sky axis, of this freedom; abandonment in the fall.
When I leave my path or refuse it or go too far, beyond my limits, the fire has always burned me on a physical level (falls, burn out, over-infected blisters). It does me good to experience the fire in a setting where I can surrender myself completely in "safety" to go further. What joy to find a community of dancers of life and to share this Joy in dance! I feel that this will also really enrich my personal practice. It makes me want to go further in the dance path, but I don't know how and where yet.
My life has already changed.
I shoot every night in a dream.
What I have been experiencing every day since I came home is indescribable. Simply, everything is stronger, more alive, more intense, joy is everywhere even in the desert. I feel that I could walk for days in the desert without this fire going out. Other times I feel like a thirsty, feverish pilgrim looking for something that I have tasted and that I know there but cannot reach. Still other times, I want to share what I am going through with the whole world and that the whole world experience this joy and this love but only a few friends can hear me.
I feel that my path takes a new and still unknown but essential direction. I have a stability in me, a form of determination, a strength and solidity (which was there as a child) that I thought I would never find again. It allows me to choose where I go by refusing any choice made for others, the only choice that exists is the one that makes my sun shine, I thank you for your presence. For the first time, I experienced the presence of the master in me: I surrender myself completely to the master and his love to take the step that I could not take without him. Once this step has been taken, I am no longer to be still more. Once revealed, I turn again, with each fall I came out more confident, more thirsty, more attentive. I offered myself even more to the experience.
I also learned and felt the difference between hopping and the support of the feet which allows to find the Earth-Sky axis. Each step is hammered by the music that guides and supports me. This support allows verticality and balance. Without him, I waver. It is my axis of gravity. When I turn, this axis merges with that of the Earth. When I shoot, I am incredibly present, - even if my mind has no grip and had to fade for the vertigo to disappear - fully in tune with the body and this axis and the music. I am contained and brought together by this listening in the external space where I whirl and in my body: I am then one and nothing at the same time. The gestures are still mysterious for me, I feel their differences and how they resonate with my heart. But I still don't take enough time to taste the changes in slow motion, in connection with the heart.
I turned to face the sun on Christmas Day, my feet in the damp grass; I shot at New Year during a celebration with friends dear to my heart.
Great joy to find you.