I have a burning fire in my chest after the internship.
During this cycle, I went through all possible states, from deep fear to pure will but impotence but also anger as joy: pure will when I wish the skirt to turn and it seems so heavy; deep fear when I am faced with going in one direction; anger at that skirt that still doesn’t want to turn and distracts me; the joy of no longer being, of being only Earth-Sky axis, of this freedom; Abandonment in the fall.
When I leave my path or refuse it or go too far, beyond my limits, the fire has always burned me on a physical level (falls, burnout, over-infected blisters). It makes me feel good to experience the fire in a setting where I can surrender completely in “safety” to go further. What a joy to find a community of dancers of life and to share this Joy in dance! I feel that it will also really enrich my personal practice. It makes me want to go further in the path of dance but I do not yet know how and where.
My life has already changed.
I shoot every night in a dream.
What I experience every day since I returned home is unspeakable. Simply, everything is stronger, more alive, more intense, joy is everywhere even in the desert. I feel like I could walk for days in the desert without that fire going out. Other times, I feel like a thirsty, feverish pilgrim looking for something I’ve tasted and know there but can’t reach. Still other times, I want to share what I live with the whole world and that the whole world lives this joy and love but only a few friends can hear me.
I feel that my path is taking a new and still unknown but essential direction. I have a stability in me, a form of determination, a strength and solidity (which was there, as a child) that I thought I would never find again. It allows me to choose where I go by refusing any choice made for others, the only choice that exists is the one that makes my sun shine. Thank you for being here. For the first time, I experienced in myself the presence of the master: I completely abandon myself to the master and his love to take the step that I could not take without him. Once this step is taken, I am no longer for Being even more. Once revealed, I shoot again. With each fall, I came out more confident, thirsty, more attentive. I offered myself even more to the experience.
I also learned and felt the difference between hopping and the support of the feet that allow to find the Earth-Sky axis. Every step is hammered by the music that guides and sustains me. This support allows verticality and balance. Without him, I waver. This is my axis of gravity. When I turn, this axis mixes with that of the Earth. When I tour, I am incredibly present, – even if my mind no longer has a grip and had to fade away for the vertigo to disappear – entirely listening to the body and this axis and the music. I am contained and gathered by this listening in the outer space where I spin and in my body: I am then one and nothing at the same time. The gestures are still mysterious to me, I feel their differences and how they resonate with my heart. But I still don’t take enough time to taste the changes in slow motion, related to the heart.
I turned facing the sun on Christmas Day, my feet in the damp grass; I shot in New Year’s during a celebration with friends dear to my heart.
Great joy to find you again.